October 31, 1978

Dear Nigel,

I'm not sure what to say, but I need to say something, so I'll try to explain why I couldn't keep you. It wasn't because I didn't want you, or that I didn't love you. If that was all it took to raise a child, you'd still be with me.

I met your father, Jesse James MarxLennon, at a photography class I was taking. I took the class primarily because my father said I had to do something with my time other than go out with my friends and shop. I decided I'd go to school, but only take classes I found interesting.

When I met Jesse, the first thing I noticed was how much he looked like John Lennon. The second thing I noticed was his voice. He had a way of speaking that made everything he said sound intimate and seductive. I used to tell him he should go into radio, but he'd just laugh at the idea. I was very attracted to him. As we teased and flirted with one another it became very apparent that although he was married, he wasn't happily married. Whenever he mentioned his wife, he'd get a closed look on his face. When he mentioned his son, it was a completely different story. It was obvious he adored the boy. I actually met his wife and son once. She stopped by the school one day after class ended to drop his son off. She was a very pretty, petite Asian looking woman. The son looked like a light skinned Black. When I asked Jesse about it, he said that his wife's family had every race and nationality possible represented in the gene pool, so any child she gave birth to could be anything.

Anyway, Jesse and I went along throughout the semester flirting and playing with each other, until I finally took matters into my own hands and decided to seduce him. We met at a motel called the Bimbo Motel. I'll spare you the details, but it was a very memorable night. I was very interested in continuing a relationship with him, and might have pursued it had not one thing gotten in the way. Her name was Chrissy. The next morning, as we were leaving the motel, we ran into her. She was Jesse's oldest and closest friend, and as soon as I saw them together, I knew they were deeply in love although neither seemed aware of it. I realized I didn't have a chance in hell with him, so I made some flip remark and blew him off. That was the end of it. Or so I thought.

A couple of months later I realized I was pregnant. How this happened, I couldn't tell you, but I was going to have a baby and an abortion was out of the question. Of course, this forced me to tell my father since there was no way I could have supported you on my own. My father wasn't having any of it.

My father is a Colonel in the Air Force. A more uptight man you'd never hope to meet. Given his background it's rather surprising that he'd be that way, but that's just how he is. When I was growing up, he was always very aloof and correct. Everything had to be just so, or all hell would break loose. His father had been a bootlegger and had made millions breaking the temperance laws. As a kind of joke he'd named my father Elliot Ness Starks. My father was always known as "Ned". He hated his name, and everything about the origins of the family money, but that didn't stop him from using it as a means to force me to put you up for adoption.

When I told my dad I was pregnant, he immediately told me I was going to stay with my mother's family in Johannesburg, South Africa. Furthermore, he wouldn't even hear of me keeping you. He said if I didn't place you for adoption not only would he not help me, he would forbid my mother from doing so and would disown me. I would never see one penny of the family money, nor would I have a family. I was stuck. I was 18, no skills and no money. So, I agreed.

My mom's brother and wife were very good to me. They took me in, helped me through the pregnancy and were there for me after you were born. They were more like parents to me than my own parents were. I can't really blame my mom. She was always a weak woman who did exactly what my father wanted. My uncle made the adoption arrangements, and you were placed with a family who had always wanted a child. I met them once, and I do believe I made the right choice. They could give you everything I couldn't and they would love you.

As I write this, I'm still in South Africa trying to decide what to do with my life. I'm volunteering at a local clinic and considering going to back to school to get a medical degree and join the Peace Corps when I'm finished. We'll see what life brings me.

I hope you are well, and that life has been good to you. Remember that your mother loves you.

MarxLennon's Gratuitous Image Page: The Front Page.